[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
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i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks