[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
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you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Love thy neighbor’s dog
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.