*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
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Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I’m sorry…what?
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
We avoided this particular disaster
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.