[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
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They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.