[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
You Might Also Like
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Goodnight 🐶
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.