“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
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My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault