him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
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If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!