[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
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Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
This is so me 😂😂
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.