My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
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What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.