[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
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IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”