Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
You Might Also Like
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”