*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
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My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Happy thanksgiving
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming