It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
How can I say no to this ?
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*