boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
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I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
#MeanwhileinCanada
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.