75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
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THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Buying a well is money well spent.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*