Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
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My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir