Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
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During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Are you ok, human???
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.