so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
You Might Also Like
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Best spot.. 😅
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
The USS B port
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!