Jogging
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ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
no refunds
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there