[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
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I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*