[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
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Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Hotels are back
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
early stone age tool
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it