“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
You Might Also Like
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you