I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
You Might Also Like
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.