John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
You Might Also Like
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.