@NickBossRoss: Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his "accent"
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@TheTalkingPipe: Some people wouldn't understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
@butterwolf: Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
@Rollinintheseat: Friend: "This is the year I'm going to marry my best friend." Me: "This is the year I'm going to train my dog to come when I call him."
@MrFornicator: I've opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.