Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
You Might Also Like
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Bit chilly again tonight.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
😆this is so true
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.