Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
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“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Why I divorced her.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.