Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
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Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Previously On Persistence 😎
not to brag, but mine was free
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy