*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
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[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Haha good job!!
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side