johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
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When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Saint West, the patron of selfies
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD