Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
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“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.