*googles how the hell I ended up here*
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Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.