@Adar79Angie: Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming.
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@mstluvstrinkets: Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
@DanMentos: "So Dave died" Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things "Both. it was a suicide pact" *dave walks in* hey guys
@BumbleDC: *accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance* I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER! [4 days later] YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
@Mikecanrant: A guy with a locked account just asked me why I never retweet him. Stay in school kids.