Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
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One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends