Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
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DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club