“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
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If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police