The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
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911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
This hospital has everything
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?