Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
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Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
they should invent a hydrating liquor
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I’m too immature for adultery.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Thursday
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.