Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
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Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Haha good job!!