Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
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Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
LOL
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Story of my life…..
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.