JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
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hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Thoughts
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”