Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
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A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous