I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
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I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Tough love is true love
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.