[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
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A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.