[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
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[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)