Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
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Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
dutch so unserious
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.