Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
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#milo
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Somebody call the cops.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.