Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
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As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
is nasa ok
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
*frowns in Scottish*
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS