judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
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[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
boat question
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.