Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
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Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place