If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
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how many bears make up a bear minimum
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat