Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
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🍞🦆
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns