JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
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netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning